My silent scream

19 April

2008-04-19T03:35:00.000+07:00

quoted:

love/anger is the fuel that pushes the pen, the ink that blots the page. without either, you wouldn't be able to write something about the person.

with you, i have not decided which yet.

"i don't know"

2008-04-19T03:12:00.002+07:00

i am not a silent nod and hand gestures reader. if there is something to be said, say it for crying out loud. honesty on something that have started with a lie won't hurt. it may even clear the air.

questions= answers
more questions= more answers

should this not be the case? web of many things but once said, it is the truth. what if's are temporary belief. once fed with truth, the dreamy what if 's would disappear in a snap. better than forever running away from and hiding from smoke of let it flow. ugh!

13 April 2008

2008-04-13T18:42:00.001+07:00

My boss/friend told me " You prefer taking care of somebody . Find someone who will take care of you. Domineering ka kasi".Then with that I know I have to agree. I am always drawn to people who wanted to be taken care of. I won't deny it, sometimes I wanted to be taken care of too. As independent and as stubborn as I am, there are days when all I just want is to talk to somebody and tell me that I need not to worry and that one single look, just one look will make it all go away.
I once had somebody who I know for sure will make me feel that way but in the end, I asked him to leave. He made me feel vulnerable, weak that to the point that i am asking him walk me to the comfort room that is just 15 steps away. I admit I can never ever be the sweet, charming young lady for anyone but at that instance I actually felt like one. where is he now? I pushed him away. But still the question is, What does a woman , me in particular, really want?
Extreme, both poles. If I say Yes, that means yes same as when I say No. no in betweens, no grays. But does that apply to love? How does love really make you feel? There should be a written rule as to how to go about love. Should you be weak, nervous , free? what? who should take care of who? I read " Love can never be equal, there is someone who loves more than the other, that is a fact " Do I have to agree on that? I love it when I take care of somebody, there is a certain kind of fulfillment that goes with it. But how come, I shoo away people who will take care of me? as in lovingly take care of me? I can't figure it out. I think, I have to not leave the house for days to figure it out..

my sanctuary...

2008-03-18T01:03:00.000+07:00

endless distance,
it was i thought what
will bring us to the end..
my thought mislead me again.
as when we parted, that is when
we became more than who we were.

it may not seem fair for us to not
be together.
we have had more than needed
memories to make it through..
we are growing together separately,
becoming better partners absently and
embracing each other with a minute of
words and song..

i love you
more than life itself

random

2008-03-05T21:39:00.000+07:00

you + me
the perfect equation of second thoughts, unending buts and limitless reasons
oh yes, i give up
if there is somebody who needs to put an end to it
it should be me, it has to be done.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

and there is a question i've been meaning to ask
:why do i have to dig up emotions that i knew were forgotten?
it is unsimplified me who is asking and it is a screwed up me that answers
: because honey, you need drama to stay alive. bwahahahaha

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

no really, being in a 4 glorious years of relationship
it makes me wonder if this is all there is to it..
what makes you stay? is it the security that you have somebody
to call your own (not really yours but i mean...)
shetness! i know it is damn big love for me!!!

conversations of me

2008-02-17T20:49:00.003+07:00

i am of heart, mind and body..

heart says;
stay with your sanctuary
it is her that i desire
i want nobody else but her
she owns me , the whole of me
i never faltered,
i shouted and will shout for her
name forever

mind says:
do not let go of a good man
he is exactly what you need
what you should seek for
who you should be with
together, you can make things
as how they should be

body says:
i thirst for him
every nerve, every sinew
wants nothing but his hand over me
he is what i want until
the moon and light clouds
take over.

clearly, it is unclear
but undoubtedly, my heart
always wins

...

2008-02-03T18:29:00.000+07:00

i can't believe how vulnerable i get when it comes to you.
don't ask me that same question again,
i will just succumb to my weakness....

update...

2008-01-31T04:50:00.000+07:00

Just when you are trying to make me feel that we have something,
i started stepping backwards as if it doesn't matter..
is it me or is it your inattentiveness to every word i say?
i can't say that i am scared of what could possibly happen
or where this would bring us..

love, i think it is you!

hahahahahaha

my night wonder...

2008-01-19T22:48:00.000+07:00

meaningless, the start and the end

still

you make me shiver.......

dear you,

please leave my head,
you already are the ghost in my bed,
ain't that enough?!

me

06-01-08

2008-01-10T02:37:00.000+07:00

i've been here
i was high and sailing
just when i thought
i had it all planned
a wave will come across
beautiful and crazy..

i am then immersed into the unknown
it's an old story, new feeling
as to how far, we need not to predict
and i may not even want to
it may last for as long as it will
and may end, even as soon as now
let's not fight the wind as to
where it will lead us
no questions to be answered
only sighs and moans....

recently..

2008-01-10T02:33:00.000+07:00

: we are both into
: i know
: let's just promise, we'll never fall in love with each other

to be continued...

Greetings...

2007-12-22T05:59:00.001+07:00

Happy Christmas!

One wish, no fireworks or any of that sort near my place.. pleasssseeeeeee

Yes or No?

2007-12-22T05:48:00.001+07:00

It is either a two letter or three letter word.
Either will give me back my sanity.
Freedom can be very tricky, you want it and yet
you tried your best to have somebody hold it for you.
At this state i am in, a "yes" or a "no" is fine
Just open your mouth and say it!
I can no longer do that for you...

Lovely!

2007-10-31T01:52:00.000+07:00

I like..

powpow coming up to me and it seems like she is saying "mummy, himas.."

waking up, touching my heart and greeting her good morning and i love you in my mind. that never fails to start my day right.

coffee , staring at the tv, watching but not really watching.

Psych on Sunday mornings/afternoons

Riding jeepneys/fx going to work. I have never thought that it will be so much fun!

Carrot-banana shake from Big Chill,tomato on anything fried,the-i-can't-remember-the-name-spicy soup from Kaya,texan bbq popcorn from Taters and Cadbury fruits and nuts. Good, healthy, pesco-vegan food! Yummy!

Miss calls, messages and (sana) email from her. Anything from- everything about.. I love!

Dad's "Life is like a song..", my brother's and mum's uncalled sweet messages and visits. my friends , I know I can truly cherish and trust, it isn't all about numbers, it is all about the depth of friendship.

Julie's Tagalog pocketbooks and a nice quiet reading time for me (tagalog or not) JM's funny remarks and karaoke singing inside the bathroom!

my faith , my abundant, peaceful present and more for my future. Him and my relationship with Him.

Yep, yep, in general, my life. Keep the faith and hope!

** I was about to write things that I miss,lack and want but instead I settled to write things that I enjoy now and I am thankful for. i haven't seen them before and now my eyes are open to appreciate everything that surrounds me esp. people who love me. I was so caught up with so many things that I have forgotten to enjoy the "here and now". My heart will explode with so much love and gratitude! Again, It is all good! ( did i mention I love etc?)

updates

2007-10-19T10:51:00.000+07:00

- had a good day with my mum, dad and brothers yesterday. we should do that more often.
- i am sad that Dad is leaving again, want him to stop working in two years time but it seems like that being workaholic runs in our bloodline. well, at least stay longer. =)
- I am not feeling good, physically but my spirit has never been better. I will feel better i know. via, thank you for the virus. you know how sickly i can get. hehehe.
- I am ok. I have never been so inlove with life than lately. It's all good!
- My relationship is doing great, more than i thought it will be.
- I don't like Mall of Asia, it is so big that we didn't get to enjoy it. how come it was built that way? nakakalito! hahaha

2007-09-22T09:59:00.000+07:00

My "NO" means a definite NO.
Me saying "I don't want to see you ever" that means "If I have to close my eyes when inevitably I'll run to you, I will FOREVER"
I've been nice long enough and involving her with your crazy issues is the end of it.
She is so wonderful that you don't even deserve uttering her name...

reflections...

2007-09-13T21:18:00.000+07:00

it had been a long time. i can't believe how my dull and lifeless life became frantic and super busy. dad is finally home. i have thought of him less than who he really is. I am thankful that i have such a loving and forgiving father. I have not heard a single harsh word coming from my dad; all caring, thoughful and loving as i didn't expect. I should have known better, of course, he is my father. i love him so.
i have had a homecoming, I have forgotten how it was to live in our own little town. It was very quiet. what hits me the most is how fortunate i am/we are. My mum's birthday party turned out to be a charity event. "once in a while, slow down and smell the flowers" , now i know what that means.

"It is not enough that they
forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”
- writer anonymous

I feel better, about myself, my relationships, towards my enemies and towards people who have pained and caused me harm. I feel more peaceful knowing what love, forgiveness and hope means. What i have known as a truth is the thing that will only matter.

when there is nothing else left....

2007-08-21T02:49:00.000+07:00

'nuff said!

*keith urban
you'll think of me

doing, doing , done...

2007-08-11T01:53:00.000+07:00

: read "Eleven Minutes" by P. Coehlo again. as expected, i was in awe.
: alongside, i finished "The firm" i borrowed from Juls.
: still, 15 minutes phonecall is incomparable to 10 minutes of cuddling
i am a passionate, passionate person in need of constant human warmth
absence makes me wanna kill her in bed, that meeting and bonding of bodies...
: a dear friend asked me to pick her up from the airport next month, i can't say no
to her. she is a darling and i love her. 2 arrivals in two days, i think i am overbooking myself again
: i can endure physical exhaustion,hard work but not loneliness. it dries me up , my energy,
my long lost appetite and i am putting my both lungs at stake.

** happy 42nd month anniversary. my future
still belongs to you, solely yours. i love you very much

crying no more

2007-08-11T01:38:00.000+07:00

i have perfected the art of not crying when i miss her,
pray, the act i have long forgotten and yet have given me the serenity i needed

moving on...

2007-08-05T18:37:00.000+07:00

finally,

i changed my sheets!

i am a big girl and big girls don't cry

(magnolia - i am quoting the song you insist i like and lurve! ) hehehe

2007-08-05T18:13:00.000+07:00

haven't been writing for a while. i have established a routine since the time she left.

morning coffee/ciggie
watch news/seinfeld/whatever with coffee
play with pow or do some errands/grocery ( i have to eat/clean too!)
eat lunch
play with pow more
prepare for work
work
work
work
read
sleep

somebody said i am "dependent" on her. true because i chose to. it was her and just her i needed. i have forgotten how independent, strong willed and courageous i was without a partner. i buried that person when i chose to have her. Now, i am in search and in need of that old me again. my love remain unchanged, i just have to love me more. my days are better than the past week, i am getting by fine.

2007-07-31T14:44:00.000+07:00

i have erased this entry more than 10 times.
i can't even gather my thoughts on what to write,
maybe what i just want to write down is that
my expectations, my dreams, my future
suddenly became so unclear.
i am broken, from my heart
down my soul.

i am ready for a new rise,
new beginning.
as i always say
"i'll savor the pain,
till i get tired of it"

deadma galore

2007-07-25T18:28:00.000+07:00

a person whose major purpose in life is to annoy me
+
my phone that can block numbers (for sms, mms, voice call and in whatever way you can think of)
=
me, happy and totally wishing you the karma that you deserve

*don't even exert an effort, my life is
way too "it" for you to mess it up more. :)

2007-07-23T17:50:00.000+07:00

In demand - Texas

need i say more??...

2007-07-22T23:06:00.000+07:00

we are swimming and flying together,
yet and again
my unending passion
till again,
i did not and will not doubt...

current song in mind

2007-07-21T12:38:00.000+07:00

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow, I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today

INXS - Afterglow

** strong, stronger after all these years.. SS witt-o!

2007-07-19T23:58:00.000+07:00

nights becomes day and vice versa. this is what graveyard shift is and i am glad that this is my last day, but no, i actually dread "normal" shifts for it means i have to stay home awake longer than my tolerance. it had been a busy week: beb's departure, witt-o's arrival, dining out with friends and maintaining a now constant communication with mum. that's what loneliness drives me to do.

i think i lost 6 lbs since the 13th. i am beginning to get that habit of not eating unless i'm out with friends. at least i don't have to worry that my arms are not proportioned with my body since i'm losing weight. that's my latest paranoia, that my arms will be these small or short.i would know when i'll see a person with short arms, it just looks weird.

i never thought that long distance relationship will work for me or maybe it just really depends on who i am with. beb and i have kept a more loving and more tender affection for each other. i can't wait till i move there with her. i miss her and i think this not only strenghtens our relationship but we've taken it to the level next to where we are. i can't believe how i love and how much i am still "inlove" with her, she is still my ultimate crushee. hehehe

my independent struggles

2007-07-17T00:18:00.000+07:00

i am still adjusting living alone. i can't find things around the house. it is just so sad that rafi has to be taken to her mum's house, i miss my wafi. now it is just powder and me. the laundry is one thing, usually,it is beb who contacts, waits and gives the laundry to the "manong" since we have it picked up and delivered. how can i do that now that i don't even wanna stay in the house. yeah,yeah as jm told me "girl you have to change your sheets" but i don't want too, it is either i am too lazy to do that or just because i can smell her and changing it means not being able to smell that hugo white perfume unless i buy one or see her again. i am back to being work-a-holic. Call me a freak but i record every conversation we had since she left and i listen to it every, like two hours. I miss her terribly. i need to finish all the papers i need so i can go there and i want it "now na!". hahaha

so far, so good. i need to thank my friends for all the invitations and not letting me be alone esp. the first night beb wasn't there. thank you lovey, you are my wittiest witt-o.

2007-07-15T23:55:00.000+07:00

Bridge:

My girlfriend, my bestfriend

I don't wanna see you go

I just wanna let you know that

I have a crush on you

I can't wait no longer girl

To say what I feel

Chorus:

I'm gonna miss you forever

I'm gonna miss you girl

Gonna miss you girl

* As i said , i'm gonna post this song. it'll piss you ( first stage: denial) for sure. thank you sweet sweet jackie (better than that rap something)

2007-07-13T16:25:00.000+07:00

i love you.
you and me together
again in no time
i have to stop crying
i am flooding our
lonely room.

2007-07-06T22:39:00.000+07:00

02 July 2007

latest.. haven't been blogging for a while

me happy = no blog :)

2007-07-02T17:48:00.000+07:00

welcome chloue! finally said goodbye to the livejournal-can't-be-open-account